The Unauthorized Autobiography

Show report 1: Clean show, good energy, nothing broken.
Show report 2: Great show! Good response, nothing broken, partial standing ovation.
Show report 3: A couple of line flubs. But overall great show.
Show report 4: Nice clean show. Warm, responsive audience.
Show report 5: Several line flubs and skipped page 33. Masking got bunched up, revealing a quick change. Fire alarm went off, causing confusion; actors tried to stay in the moment. Door closure no longer works. All the props broke. Dora Award jurors present in the audience.

Apr 12, 2013

I answer the phone, it’s someone who wants money for something. I don’t answer the phone, it’s Greyhound saying they won’t drop off my package unless they think I’m home.

CLASSICAL CONDITIONING WON’T TAKE EFFECT WITHOUT A TIE BREAKER. I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AND HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.

Mar 20, 2013

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# transcript of my life

Lucky Thirteen

Lady: We have a reservation for thirteen, at five-thirty.
Hostess: Oh, but... we don't take reservations.
Lady: NO... we have a reservation for five-thirty. Thirteen people.
Hostess: I'M SORRY, but we don't take reservations. And we don't currently have room...
Lady: LOOK. My assistant made the reservation three weeks ago. It EXISTS. There are thirteen of us.
Manager: I'm really very sorry. We don't take reservations. We'll seat as many of you as we can.
Lady: This is really the best you can do? My assistant made the reservation three weeks ago.
Manager: We'll seat as many of you as we can. Here you go. Now what would you like to drink while you wait?
Lady: Soda water.
Next Lady: Water.
Next Lady: Water.
Next lady: Soda water. With lemon.
Next lady: Same.
Next lady: Just water.
Next lady: Water with lemon.
Next lady: Me too.
Next lady: Me too.

Mar 10, 2013

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Putting the value in “Value Village”.

Feb 8, 2013

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Drum battle. Well… drum argument, anyway.

Jan 30, 2013

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Once again, being a notorious lesbian

Scroll down to page 27 to read Michelle’s and my interview in Xtra! Toronto.

(Really, it was just an excuse to put another picture of my cat on the internet.)

Jan 23, 2013

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I’ve been thinking about the people who rip the cardboard labels off the back of their new pants, but leave the threads, in terms of a demographic. Clearly, they have collective needs.

Jan 14, 2013

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# lesbo with a new cat

You know those movie montages where you see a couple spend all their time gazing at each other, doing something silly and laughing, then wordlessly lying in each other’s arms? That’s the day I just had with my cat.

Nov 25, 2012

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